As I stand here on a Saturday afternoon and watch my daughter eat her dinner while watching a Disney Pixar movie, I can’t help but feel a deep feeling of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I can’t help but feel like something bad is on the horizon. What I’ve realized for the last few years - maybe over the last year more than anything, I feel this way because I grew up in a very traumatic household, and I don’t really know how to enjoy the good things. My amygdala is like a totaled car. Even though nothing traumatic has happened in my life for quite some time now, and I have a very stable, perfect home life with my little family, my brain still is in reaction mode 24/7, triggers are everywhere. I know that I have a great job, I know that I get to pursue my creative arts as much as I’d like: My music, My writing, My podcasting, and video content creation. I get to do all of these at will here in the music and entertainment capital of the world: Nashville, Tennessee. So, even though my life is better than I could’ve ever dreamed it to be, there's still this feeling… that I don’t deserve it, and that something bad has to happen because… well, it’s my life.
The research is clear on why I continue to feel this way, and why you might as well. From age 0 to age 7, our conscious brains don’t actually remember much of anything. You will often hear people say, “They’re a baby, they won’t remember it anyway.” On one hand, this is true, our brains will not consciously remember it, but on the other hand, it’s a very dangerous mindset. There is something I learned just the other day that blew my mind, and it will yours too. I was listening to The Mel Robbins Podcast and Mel had a guest on her show by the name of Dr. Burke Harris. Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, MD is an expert on trauma science, and how it affects public health with degrees from Harvard and Stanford. Dr. Burke has pioneered research on ACEs or Adverse Childhood Experiences. Now, Dr. Burke said something on this podcast that put all of this into perspective for me. I want you to think about it this way: When we are babies and toddlers, we pick up on our parents native language, we learn to repeat what they say, just like they do, and in turn, we learn how to talk, socialize, and so many other things before we turn 2 years old. Sitting here today at 27 years old, I don’t remember hearing my parents talk, I don’t remember hearing my parents read to me as a toddler and teach me words. But, deep in my subconscious, my brain remembered and took all of this with me as I grew up, it was the biological foundation of who I became. Now, the same goes for any traumatic event that takes place in childhood.
For example, when I was 6 years old, I was raped by a family member. I didn't remember this event until I was 19 years old. Literally, not a single flash of this memory until 19. Then one night, sitting around a bonfire at a friend's place, when I was 19, it all came flooding back and hit me like a freight train.
Even though I didn't remember for over a decade, It’s clear that this traumatic event changed my biochemistry. I have had severe general anxiety for as long as I can remember, I have had a very hard time focusing for as long as I can remember, and this trauma caused non-mental conditions as well, I have suffered from gastrointestinal problems for as long as I can remember, I suffer from insomnia, and nightmares for as long as I can remember, I have a hard time remembering things and struggle with memorization, for as long as I can remember, this is who I am. These are all a direct result of early childhood trauma. Just like my first words, and first books, the event of rape at such a young age built my brain, and in turn, my body a certain way. It literally makes me, me. Just as much as the first book I was into, or the first time I went to the zoo and learned animal sounds.
In my particular case, and in many others as well, there isn’t just one traumatic event. There are often years upon years of childhood trauma. Just like the event when I was 6, each time my parents yelled, each time I was physically abused by my father, each time I witnessed substance abuse, it was layering trauma into my biological makeup. All of these things that happened to me at such a young age made me who I am: Mentally, and Physically.
Is your mind blown? I know mine was, this all makes just a little bit more sense now. The reason that I lose control of my thoughts at seemingly the most random and inopportune times. The tidal wave of uneasiness that sets over my body while the life around me is nothing but good, and I am safe. My triggers, like yours, are a literal part of our biological makeup. There is nothing we can do except take a deep breath, take a step back, and observe our thoughts and feelings as they come and go, and remember not to attach ourselves to them, but rather observe them. We should be thankful for their constant reminder of a life we once lived, but one we don’t any longer. For the last 18-24 months, I have found a few ways to help ease my angst. It is important to remember that while these work for me, you should find your own routine that feels right for you.
Each morning, I have a very specific routine. I awake early, before 5am, I drink water before anything else, I stretch, and then I meditate. Meditation or the practice of mindfulness allows me to reach a state of calm, and I carry this feeling of calmness with me all day, so I know what calm feels like, and throughout my day, I can be aware of when I am not calm, and my thoughts begin to race - I can bring myself out of that spiral quicker when I think back to how I felt in the morning. Like I said before, it is important to remember that we are not our thoughts and feelings, we must observe them, and then let them pass without anchoring ourselves to them. Often, our thoughts are negative, and the little voice in our head does not have our well-being in mind, so we must be aware of that, and let all those thoughts come, and go. After I meditate, I free-write and journal. Sometimes, I write a thousand word article like this one, other times, I just turn my brain off and let my hand write whatever it wants, this is a technique called brain dumping. Every single day, I meditate and journal. Both of these things haven’t cured me of anxiety, or my triggers, but they allow me to observe my feelings from a distance, and realize they are not who I actually am.
So, as I sit here on a Thursday morning and watch my daughter eat her breakfast to Bluey, I feel a deep sense of peace knowing that I am more than my trauma, I am more than my past, and all I can do is be present in this moment. No rush, for where would I rush to? I can only be here, right where my feet are.
It’s important to note, some of us need more than mindfulness practice, and you might require therapy or other forms of medical help, don’t ever hesitate to speak up and ask for help. I believe in you, Keep Going.
Get SA Help Here: https://rainn.org/help-and-healing/hotline/
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network: https://rainn.org/
More Mental Health, Abuse, and Trauma Resources: