Recently, I was having a discussion with my wife about the Holidays, and how they’re a little different now that we have a daughter. Our daughter is thirteen months and is starting to be a little more aware of things going on around her. My wife is an only child, and I basically am, as my brother is 10 years older than me. Also, three years ago, we moved from Minnesota to Tennessee. So, my brother and my dad both live in Minnesota. My wife’s extended family lives in Iowa, and South Dakota. So, we are pretty spread out.

My wife grew up going to large family Holiday gatherings, and I sort of did too - but only until I was six years old. After that, my dad’s family distanced themselves from my mom and I, and my mom’s family, we were never really close to in the first place. As I said, my brother is a decade older, so by the time I can really remember Holidays, he was busy chasing girls, cars and other teenager things. So my Christmas, and my Thanksgiving was my Grandpa Melvin, my Grandma Sandy, and my Mom. My Grandpa passed away when I was 11, so the majority of my Holidays were spent with my grandma and my mom. So I’m used to small Holidays - my wife, not so much.

When we moved down here to the South, my best friend moved down here with us. So the last few years, he’s joined us on most major Holidays. It’s been me, my wife, my in-laws, my best friend, and now my daughter this year on major Holidays. In the movies, we see Holidays presented as huge gatherings of extended family that travel great distances twice a year to sit down and have a huge meal, where everyone dresses up and they feast. Of course, to an extent, we all dream of this, but for most of us, it’s not a reality.

But the truth is, when I was a kid, I never once thought about that. My grandparents, and my mom were enough for me. Even though I grew up poor, my mom always made a grand spectacle out of the major Holidays, so I never felt like I was missing out. Now that I’m having a similar experience as an adult, I feel the same way. I think there needs to be a broader normalization of small families, or chosen families. I’m not related to my best friend, but he feels more like family than my blood brother. He’s who I share my life with, and he’s spent time with my daughter twenty times more than anyone who’s blood related to me.

You have the ability to choose your family, and the ability to distance yourself from blood related family. No one can force you to have relationships with them.

We are often told: “We’re family, we have to get along”. I see so many people who have extreme anxiety around their families and feel immense pressure to maintain close relationships with people who make them unhappy. You don’t have to do this.

This Holiday, I hope that you spend it with people who genuinely make you feel loved, and safe. I hope you get to laugh and smile with people who make you so happy. Do not think you have to maintain relationships with your blood family, if it’s not healthy for YOU!

Merry Christmas!